


Remember, You're Still Alive

by greekowl87



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Episode: s05e04 Detour, F/M, MSR, Post-Episode: s05e08 Kitsunegari, RST, Smut, UST, cancer arc angst resolved, season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:15:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24556051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greekowl87/pseuds/greekowl87
Summary: Post Kitsunegari. Scully comes to Mulder's apartment to remind him why they're both still alive.
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 1
Kudos: 46





	Remember, You're Still Alive

**Author's Note:**

> I’m struggling with my smut entry for the exchange as smut is something I don’t think I do particularly well. So I tried to exercise those writing muscles with this fic. First, it was just going to be a quick post-ep for “Pusher,” then “Kitsunegari,” and then it just found itself mixed into this fic into something resembling a story. Apologies for typos, no beta.

As Mulder rested in the dark of his apartment on his leather couch, he could feel his lower back beginning to ache from the indent of the middle cushion. But that was okay. He deserved the pain. At least it was some form of punishment.

The nightmare always started the same way. He could still hear the spinning of the cylinder of the revolver with the single bullet, reminding him of the Wild West. Except it was Russian Roulette. Would the bullet kill him? But then the nightmare was true to his memory. He saw Scully in the doorway. The bulletproof vest was too large for her. Everything always seemed too large for her. In his dream, there were never any words spoken between them but he imagined she could hear her thoughts. Her pleas were crushing, heart-wrenching…but the tears were all real. The tears were something he could never unsee. But he would always wake up before taking the shot. 

Sometimes though, the nightmare would continue and he would see Scully, via Linda…Modell’s twin sister and the nightmare of killing 

In his waking, logical mind, he knew he shot Modell (and now his twin sister). He would resist, with every cell in his body, not to hurt Scully. But the thoughts, the memory kept playing over and over in mind and it lingered…

There was a light knocking at the door and he glimpsed at his VCR clock; it was 3:07 am. “Mulder, it’s me.”

Scully was right outside of his door. Why was she here? He would be just better to suffer in his loneliness and depression.“Go away, Scully.”

He heard a key slipping into the lock and gently being nudged open. “No.” The door shut behind her, locked, and she didn’t bother turning on any lights. “I know you can’t sleep.”

“I just want to be left alone, Scully.”

“And what? Wallow in your depression and self-pity?”

“Astute as always. You hit it on the head, Scully.”

“Why are you behaving like this?” She sat on the edge of his coffee table, facing him. “Mulder, answer me.”

“I can’t sleep.” He blinked lethargically. “I guess neither can you.”

“I keep having nightmares,” she admitted softly. Something was set on his coffee table next to her. “I suspect you do as well.”

“I almost killed you. Again. How many times will it take to convince you, Scully, that I am bad for you?”

“You didn’t. You didn’t,” she said. Ignoring every FBI protocol, she bent forward to take his face in her hands. “You showed how strong you are. Mulder, what happened in the hospital was two years ago. And there was no one else who could have spotted the differences in this case but you.”

“I almost shot you.” His voice was broken. “I almost hurt you, Scully.”

“But you didn’t. Or are you talking about the warehouse?”

He nodded. “Everything. Including the cancer. I am just going to hurt and get you killed.”

“No, you won’t. How many times do I have to tell you?”

Scully was quiet and watched him as he turned his face away to stare at the wall behind the couch. His eyes traced the pictures above him, avoiding her. He turned his back to her. “You thought you beat the cancer, but you didn’t, not really.”Scully forced him to look at her in the light of the fish tank. He blinked and she kneeled next to him by the couch. “I’m the cancer.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“Why are you here?”

“Because I’m tired, Mulder. Tonight, if anything…let it show…” Her words failed her. “Mulder, you have done nothing wrong. I have…”

“I saw your body, Scully. I saw your dead body, bleeding out all over the warehouse floor. I can’t unsee that. I can’t undo that.”

“It wasn’t me though.”

“It could have been.”

Scully sighed loudly and grasped the edge of the coffee table. “Why do you continue to do this to yourself, Mulder? How many years have you continuously tortured yourself and offered yourself up to punishment? You are worse than those who used to flay themselves during the Black Death as punishment for their sins because they thought the plague was their fault.”

Mulder snorted and turned to look at her slightly. “Black Death? Really, Scully?”

“I remember that from some college history class.” In the dark, she could sense his smirk. “Shut up, Mulder. But seriously, none of this is your fault. If anything you stopped Linda Bowman. You were the only one to see the pattern when everyone else was focused on Modell.”

“But you’ve suffered both times.”

“I wasn’t the only victim.”

She reached out to touch him but he flinched away. Scully hesitated and reached out to him again. He didn’t pull away. She gently touched his forehead and pushed away from the long strands of his hair. “I still can’t get the image out of my mind, Scully.”

“I know, Mulder,” she whispered. “During my cancer, I used to have nightmares about you.”

“About what?” The question tugged at his heartstrings. “Scully?”

“I worried about you. It was always the worse when I was stuck in the hospital, especially towards the end, it was always the worst.” She leaned forward to brush away a stray lock of hair from him. “I know you would come to my room every night.”

“You were asleep.”

“I pretended but I still knew you were always there, Mulder.” She was unsure of what to do next. “Do you want to know what I dreamed?”

“Do I want to know?”

“I think, under these circumstances, it would be good. I saw you defeated,” she whispered. Scully bent forward to touch his hair lovingly. “I also saw you lost. Defeated. You were so consumed by your guilt that you killed yourself. I can’t live with that, Mulder.”

“For not being a profiler,” he tapped his nose sarcastically, “you’re pretty damn good.”

“Well, I learned from the best.”

He huffed sarcastically. “The best.”

“Mulder, please stop beating yourself up. For me.”

“I failed you twice with the same situation, Scully.”

“But you also saved me.” She grabbed his wrist forcefully so he couldn’t pull away and brought his fingertips to trace the back of her neck. He could feel the raised skin from the chip and her goosebumps from his touch. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, Mulder. Your faith kept me alive.”

“Are you trying to cheer me up?”

“Is it working?”

He smiled faintly but he realized Scully couldn’t see it. “A bit.” He sighed. “How much have we suffered, Scully?”

“Mulder, I haven’t tried to put a number on it, nor do I want to this morning. I came over to see you and not wallow in what-ifs.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, for being a top reputed profiler, you can be so dense sometimes.”

Scully leaned back on the coffee table. This particular case has brought out something in her that she had been battling with since her cancer remission. The dynamic had changed between her and Mulder. She hinted around the topic when she brought a make-do wine and cheese down at that stupid team seminar in Florida; he had been more interested in chasing mothmen. But that raining sleeping bag comment…it stuck with her.

“I think this case has affected both of us. The first time, I almost lost you and this time, you almost lost me.” 

“Where are you going with this, Scully?”

He was right; where exactly was she going with this? Her blood had been simmering since they concluded this case and she had come home that night. Something had changed in the air and shifted. “I’m not sure entirely myself, Mulder. Do you remember Florida? When I brought in the wine and cheese plate?”

“Were you sending me secret signals?”

“That you were too thick to catch onto. Then that comment about sleeping bags.”

“We cuddled that night.”

“You call that cuddling?”

Mulder needed the distraction from the nightmare memory replay in his head. Scully’s blood warmed into a relaxing warmth at the prospective. “No, I wouldn’t.”

Mulder held out his hand and she licked her lips at possibility. Just like Mulder, she knew she was eager to put those foul memories behind her. But there was also something else at work: a fear of loss. The Pusher case, both times, brought out their worst fears. That, combined with Scully’s miraculous cancer recovery, only added fuel to the burning fire. Slowly, she took his rough hand, taking the time to admire the beauty of it. 

“You have marvelous hands, Mulder.”

“I can say othewise. I like yours better.”

She smirked. “Why?”

“You can do so much.” Mulder reached behind him with his long arm and flicked on the fish tank light. She winced momentarily as he studied her hand. “You give the dead voices, you have a crack shot, and most of all, you can heal with these hands. You’ve healed me more than once. And saved my ass.”

He kissed her palms and then the inside of her wrists. She bent over and cupped his face and gazed at it lovingly. She bent forwards slightly and, before she knew it, she gently kissed him softly. Mulder felt her lean into him and bite his lower lip enticingly. It was like a spark lighting a gunpowder barrel. He reached effortlessly and managed to have her straddle his hips on the couch with him still laying down. Scully yelped in surprise but she saw his heated gaze in the fish tank light and she was lost.

“Well,” Mulder whispered, his hands snaking up under her shirt and expanding against her toned lower back. “'This certainly isn’t a sleeping bag.”

“What are we doing, Mulder? Before we go any further.”

“I think you’ve been trying to hint at something, right?” Mulder was desperate to get those thoughts out of his head. He could still himself aiming his weapon at Scully’s doppelgänger. But this was the real Scully. She bent forward to kiss him again, snaking her tongue inwards as if to breathe life into him. “Scully…”

“What?” She asked hastily. “Is something wrong?”

“Not at all.”

Scully moved slightly, trying to adjust to this position. This was different. Very different she clenched her thighs reflexively and Mulder moaned slightly. “What? It’s it something?”

“No, no, no.” He breathed. “It’s just been so long, Scully. And this…” He cupped her cheek. “This is the stuff of dreams.”

“Except this is real.” She felt him beneath her. “Oh, this is very real.”

“Are we doing this, Scully?”

“I want to,” she whispered huskily. She felt him beneath her even more, prominent and large. “Fuck, I want you to.”

“I can.”

“This isn’t a one-time thing,” she whispered. Scully forced him to look at her in the dim light. She repeated it like a mantra, “This isn’t a one-time thing.”

“What do you want, Scully?”

“You. Only you.”

He let his free hands roam nervously. He pushed beneath her tighter jean’s waist at the small of her back and sighed like he had been burned; his long fingers gently massaging the top of her buttocks. She leaned forwards, surprised how electrical it felt. “What?” 

“It’s just been a hot minute,” she breathed. “Since you know…” She looked down at him. “Are we sure about this, Mulder?” As certain as she was, Scully was also equally nervous. “I’m just…”

Mulder remembered how happy he had been when Scully first gave him the news of her remission, how he hugged her, unwilling to let her go. “I’m positive, Scully.”

His hands traveled upwards and gently undid a few buttons of her cardigan. He sighed as his fingertips touched the silken bra. Eager for more, he slipped his hand to cup her breast. He smiled like a kid on Christmas morning. “You know, I could make that easier for you.”

“How would you do that, Agent Scully.”

She clenched her thighs and whispered, “Well, Agent Mulder, I may need some help with that.”

“With your permission?”

She nodded and licked her lips again. “I’ve always dreamed of this. You know that?” He spoke to her in a low, husky voice and she found herself getting wetter. “I have a lot of fantasies about us.”

“You do?”

He hummed yes. His fingers gently popped the rest of her buttons on her sweater and he expanded his chest with a deep breath of reverence. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t be. It’s just like I said, it’s been a second. Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s perfect, well, except that bra of yours. It’s actually a bit of a hindrance. Do you mind? I’m not quite an expert in it.” She obliged and undid her bra. Mulder sighed happily and palmed both of her breasts. “Oh, Scully, you are so beautiful.”

Hearing those words uttered from his lips made her feel alive. His hands gently expanded, squeezed, pinched, and teased. It was driving her mad and she wanted more. Scully leaned forward and kissed him crushingly. Mulder’s arms wrapped around her and sighed. Her own hands pushed up his shirt and he sat up slightly to let her pull it off. Her well-manicured nails scratched teasingly at his chest like mapping a new discovery. She leaned forward, pressing herself against him, eager to feel what it was like with their skin pressed together.

It was like what Scully imagined the splitting of an atom had created, something indescribable and otherworldly but at the same time, still very real.

“Mulder…”

He sat up with her, still in his lap, and switched their positions so they would be reversed. Scully suddenly felt exposed but Mulder gently peppered feather-like kisses down her lips to her throat, her sternum, her abdomen like bread crumbs before stopping at the button of her jeans. “Scully, these have to go.”

She breathed deeply and nodded. Her eyes were dilated as she stared at him hungrily. Very gently he popped the button and pulled down the zipper slowly. The sound gave her goosebumps. Slowly, he pulled away from her jeans and she lifted her hips to help. “Oh, Scully, you are so beautiful.”

She didn’t know how she was suddenly so aroused. “Mulder, if you were cancer, I wouldn’t feel so alive as I do now.”

He arched an eyebrow. “What?”

“I haven’t felt this alive in ages, Mulder.”

He smiled proudly and leaned forward to kiss her. The jeans fell on the floor and, with a shaking hand, cupped her lower mons over her underwear. “You are so wet, Scully.”

He leaned forward again to kiss her as his hand sunk beneath the elastic and she sighed in ecstasy into his mouth. His long fingers arched inwards and she arched her hips upward at the initial contact. “Slow,” she commanded.

He met her gaze and held it as his nimble fingers found their way, and judging by Scully’s sharp intake of breath and panting, he was doing something right. “I only want to protect you,” he whispered. He let his hand work as he kissed her lovingly, his tongue delving into her mouth, and dueling her. “I almost lost myself with your abduction. If I had lost you to the cancer, it would have been even worse.”

She pulled back and cupped his face. “What do you mean? Mulder?”

“Let’s not talk about it,” he whispered.

“I would have nightmares of you doing something reckless or killing yourself if I had died from the cancer.” He nodded silently. She brought him back down to her, pressing her body against him. “We’re alive, Mulder. We are very much alive. Do you feel that?”

“What?”

He was too distracted feeling her breasts against his chest. This was the stuff of his dreams. She smiled and took his other hand and placed it against her chest. “My heart. Can you felt my heartbeat?”

He nodded.

“Do you feel how fast it is beating, Mulder? That’s because of you. I have not felt this good or alive in a very, very long time. It’s all because of you.” She kissed him. “You aren’t a cancer. You never were.”

Feeling emboldened, Mulder broke away and whispered, “I’m just getting started.”

Mulder pulled his hand away from her and she was about to protest it, he ripped away the rest of her underwear and he smiled deviously. “Mulder?”

“Watch me,” he ordered. 

She clenched her inward muscles. “Mulder.”

“Watch. Me.” He paused. “Let me show you how much I love you.”

Did he really just say that? She watched him devour her. At one point, she must have experienced what Mulder called missing time with her. He was calling her name and she was breathing like she had run a marathon. “Scully? Still with me?”

“Um yeah.” She licked her lips. Her entire body was still tingling. “I just…I just didn’t expect it to be so much.”

Mulder smiled smugly. “Do you want a minute or two?”

She nodded and added, “But I don’t want to be the online one naked.”

“We can go to the bedroom,” he said in afterthought.

“You have a bed?”

“Yes, more like a rarely used one but the sheets are clean, I promise.” 

She licked her lips and shook her head. The thought of them staying on the couch seemed far more arousing to her than the rarely used bed. “No, let’s stay here. I’m sure between us, we can make this work. Think of it as an overdue team-building exercise.”

Mulder grinned like a fool and bent down to nuzzle her. “You really aren’t rushing with this, are you?”

“As you aptly put, we’re both alive,” he whispered.

“And I want to feel you. This is a two-way street, Mulder.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Her hand easily undid his jeans and he groaned at her touch. “Scully…”

“Only fair.”

“Fine, fine.” 

She sat up and hurriedly stripped him down until he was standing in front of her, all exposed. He watched her bite her lip to keep from grinning. “All I say is this,” she whispered, “we’ll have time to explore later. Right now, I want you.”

The first time was supposed to be special, but in all honesty, it could be rushed or just plain awkward, Scully mused. This was likely the former than the latter. She pulled everything away and gasped. Mulder grinned, excited he could produce such a reaction for her. “How do you want it?”

“Doesn’t matter,” she whispered. “I just want you in me.”

It was like an awkward wrestling match that ended Mulder back on the couch and Scully straddling him. They chuckled at the awkwardness. “We’re both very much alive.”

“Yes, we are.”

After some repositioning, Mulder guided himself to her entrance and slowly moved inward. He rolled her beneath him and she wrapped her legs tightly around Scully released a breath she did not realize that she was holding as he buried himself to the hilt. “Fuck,” she breathed. 

“Okay?”

She nodded. It was like the missing piece of a puzzle she had been trying to construct for years. They moved together, as they often did with everything, this coming (surprisingly) naturally. She wanted fast but Mulder drew it out. She could imagine their movements as a growing crescendo. It felt so good; they were alive. Very much alive. 

She clenched around him and he moaned. “Fuck, Scully,” he murmured.

“Is that good? Are you okay?” 

“I just asked you that,” he chuckled. “Perfect. Does that answer your question?”

He continued to move in sync with her and she melted at the sensations. She reached to hold him closer. Time melted and seemed forgotten. There was only here and now. There was only them. Taking a moment to like down between them, she watched him move in and out of her and it seemed unreal. She thought about how perfect he felt, how perfect he was. “I can’t think of any other word other than perfect.”

“For once, you’re speechless?” He laughed and kissed her lovingly. “Let’s hurry along. I’m so close, Scully.”

“I’m almost there,” she admitted. She had been too lost in the moment to focus on anything else. “It’s okay if…”

“No. Together.”

He reached between them and she hissed sensually, feeling his thumb begin to rub her clit hard and vigorously. “Shit, Mulder.” Her entire body coiled around him like a strong. “Just like that.”

“You got it. Shit, Scully, you feel so good.” He bit her shoulder gently and moaned. “So perfect. So alive.”

“Both alive,” she panted.

After he added to her ministrations, all it took was a few quick strokes and they were gone. She screamed his name and he howled into her shoulder. Still, on the couch, he moved wearily to the side. He was panting like he had been running forever. “I’ll get up in a sec.” They were both spent and sated. Mulder chuckled as they spooned against each other and he pulled her closer. “And get us something to clean up. But right now, I just want to hold you.”

“Blanket,” she murmured.

He pulled the old brown Aztec blanket around them. “And Scully?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re right.”

“About what?”

“Us. I have never felt more alive than when I am with you.”

“See? Not a cancer.” She turned to face him and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I hope for more of this in our future, Mulder.”

“Think that is highly likely,” he smiled, sneaking another kiss.

She smiled at him. In the blue light of his fish tank, coiled up on the leather green couch together, Mulder and Scully continued to smile at each other, their nightmares momentarily forgotten in the ecstasy of each other.


End file.
